Hell or Heaven?
by Beauty Lily
Summary: AU Is Hell the others or are the others the joy of living? A depressed Lily Evans scared to get her heart broken. Searching for support...or maybe more? PLS REWIEW!
1. Prologue

**Hell or Heaven?**

Prologue

"I now introduce our new head boy and girl: Mr. Potter and Miss Evans", declared Dumbledore to the Great Hall. It's been now 5 years that I was in this school. At the beginning, my parents didn't want me to leave , so I went in a small school of wizardry near my house. When my father died, I was only twelve and my mother had to send me here, in the biggest school of witchcraft and wizardry in Scotland, for my own safety. I never had many friends here. When I first came here, people wanted to know me, such as James Potter and his famous group of Marauders for example. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life in the middle of my first year in this castle, therefore in third year. I dated Lucius Malfoy, who only wanted to shag me. And then, my life has messed up, the girls were against me and treated me like a bitch whereas boys didn't say anything, they just thought that everything was my own fault even if they didn't even know what happened. That same year, my mother who remarried a man of the name of Richard Levin, died. Richard took my responsibility, but then which responsibility. He didn't do anything, just beat the shit out of me, it was a pleasure for him. Each time I returned from the holidays, I had bruises everywhere, but nobody seemed to notice something was wrong and I had to live with it. I changed so much during that year, my beautiful curly auburn hair became black and greasy; I hid my marvelous emerald green eyes by blacks lenses; and even most of the time, I hid myself under a long black cape, hood closed. And all of that, just to prevent to attract some guys who would, at the end, break my heart. But this year was my last in this school, and then maybe I could begin a new life. And this last year, I have become head girl. I received my letter at the end of June, but if I accepted that responsibility, it also meant that I should become myself again, like five years before. And that was the last thing I wanted, but then an unexpected visit from my aunt and my cousin made me change my opinion. I spent the last month of my holidays with my cousin, and my stepfather couldn't beat me in his presence. He taught me to live once again.

Flashback:

"Lils, you can have had very bad relationships until now. Everyone had some in their life. You cannot deny love all your life. You cannot continue to live without loving.

-Why should I love if it's going to hurt me afterwards?

- One day you will find the guy of your life, until then, just play with them, like toys. Like them without really liking them, without opening your heart to them!"

End of Flashback.

During nearly three weeks, he tried to convince me, and

I cannot say that he didn't succeed because even after he left, and I returned to my normal life with Richard's beatings, I tried to remember his statements and they gave me hope. Now, I am here at Hogwarts, several glances on me after Dumbledore's announcement. And I don't have any idea of what I should do!


	2. First day and toughts

**Hell or Heaven?**

Chapter 1: First day and thoughts

We went to the head boy and girl common rooms without making a single noise. I went up quickly to my own room without even looking around me and fell asleep the second I put my head on the pillow. The following day, I went down to the Great Hall around 6 a.m. after taking a good shower. I sat at the Gryffindor table, entirely empty at this time of the day. McGonagall got up from the professors table and moved towards me.

"Miss Evans, please distribute these timetables to each prefects of each house.

- Of course professor"

I waited half an hour so that all the prefects were in the Great Hall then distributed them the timetables. I went off towards my room to take my stuff for my first class, DADA. I went inside the common room to find a half naked James leaving the bathroom.

"Hey, hello, he says.

- Hello"

I headed for my room that he called me a second time:

"Do you know which class we have first, I couldn't wake up this morning to go down to the Great Hall?

Yeah we have DADA, here is your timetable." I said, giving him the last timetable of the 7th years that was left. Then I went up in my room, put my things in my bag then went down again. James was sitting on an armchair, his bag at his feet.

"You know that if you wait a little bit more here, sitting like this, you'll be late for the first lesson of the day...

- Oh...I was waiting for you.

- You w… were waiting for me? Why?

- Oh, it's just that I didn't want to go to class alone. Are you coming?

- Yeah..." I followed him out of the common room then we walked towards the DADA class. I sat down in the forefront, all alone, whereas James sat behind me with Sirius and Remus and Peter, behind them. The class passed in great uproar, the new professor, Mr. Obant, not being very dominating in class. Rather say he fell asleep in the middle of class... And, as usual, the marauders used this situation towards themselves! They are able to make you laugh if you are not the prey of their trick. I mean this year they can. During the past four years, or the three to be exact, nothing could raise my moral. If you became once their prey, you were until the end of your schooling. They don't pick too much on girls, generally on boys and especially, but especially on Slytherins. I think that I had good luck not to have them on my back during these years. It was hard to make the idea that they hate you, once that you were their friend. When you had once their trust, you were one of them, but it was not easy do have it. All the time that I passed with them was of pure happiness. When you betrayed them and saw your mistake, you couldn't look on their faces again. They accept your treason and never want to see you again. It's hard. It's difficult. And when the rest of your life mess up, it is hard not to have them on your side. But this morning, James had been nice, to wait for me like that to go to class and all... Ohh I don't know what to think anymore. I'll like to have them back, them, their support, their friendship... It is not easy, but it's worth to try. The problem is Sirius. He never accepts betrayal and never forgives. Except perhaps James. James is also as merciless as Sirius when it concerns betrayal. And after what I did to him. Kissing him then going out with his worse enemy. But then why did he act like that this morning? Maybe he forgave me? I was new when I made this error. I didn't know Malfoy and nobody warned me. What I know now, it's not to believe everyone's word as I did four years ago. I trusted the girls of my dormitory who told me he was charming, and then they repudiated me because I didn't let him go too far with me. Too late now to change what's already done, but one can always correct the errors in the present. I hope that the Marauders will accept me a second time!


	3. Dreams or Reality

**Hell or Heaven**

Chapter 2: Dreams or Reality

James didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. But sometimes, I felt his glance on me, or perhaps was it what I wanted? James was once again starting to attract me towards him. Was this good or not? So many thoughts were in my head... He was beautiful, muscled... All the girls would run after him, he changed a girl every two days, they accepted, they were sometimes jealous. I believe being the only one not wanting him. It was what brought them to me at the beginning, that I could talk to them without giggling or blushing. Because the marauders, they were more than good-looking.

Sirius, the womanizer, the dream of every girl, he used them like toys, two or three each day. James equaled him in handsomeness but didn't change as quickly as Sirius. Then Remus, he was mysterious, that's what attracted the girls in him, but he wasn't like the two others, he thought of the consequences of its facts. Last of all, Peter, I don't know, something troubled me with him... He wasn't at all like the others. Small, not too good-looking, the girls used him just to get to the others. What I want to say, James wasn't the type of guy to have a normal relationship with. But he attracted me, as he could with any other girl. I had to be careful, careful to not repeat the same mistakes.

This first day was much more tiring than I thought it would. I went up in my room and immediately went to bed. The following day I woke up just in time to arrive in class in time. I hurried towards the second floor for my charms class. I just got in that the bell rang. But other people didn't have the same luck. 5 min. after the bell, two people came in out of breath: James and Sirius.

"Sorry professor, we...

- Yes, yes. Sit down please Mr. Potter, there is a place next to Mr. Diggory and Mr. Black, next to Miss. Evans."

Yes, just what I needed: Black bugging me throughout my favorite class.

"Hello, he tells in a dry tone.

- You know, you don't have to speak to me if you...

- Looks Evans, I didn't sit here because I wanted ok? It disturbs me more than it does to you.

- I never said it disturbed me.

- Always the same, aren't you Evans?

- For you perhaps...

- Miss. Evans, called professor Flitwick, could you make us a demonstration of this spell please? I sighed and did what I was asked.

When the bell rang, I left and went to my arithmancy class. After lunch, I still had an hour free so I went to the library. I greeted Mrs. Pince and sat down at one of the tables. I liked the silence of this place, the smell of the old pages... I took my head between my hands and closed my eyes to relax. Several memories came to my mind. James, Malfoy, my mother, my cousin, Richard... I suddenly opened my eyes.

My shoulder was starting to hurt badly. The wound was healed but the weight of my books had it reopened. I started to feel a liquid running down my arm, my back. I took all my stuff and left the library running. I ran towards my room to stop the bleeding before all my dress was soaked of blood.

During my race, I didn't see the two persons walking towards me and I ran in one of them. Under the shock I fell backwards on my shoulder. My wound was completely reopened by now and bleeding like hell. It hurt atrociously. I started to have the tears on my eyes because of the pain.

"Watch out where you're going."

I knew this voice. It was Sirius's. I raised my head. He was standing above me. He looked at me like he despised me. James was besides him. He didn't do anything he looked on the ground.

"Evans, you..." started James. I turned my head towards my left to see the state of my shoulder. The wound was bleeding even more than I thought it was. I put my hand on my dress; just on top of the old scar to find it soaked because of the blood. I took off my hand of my shoulder and got up. Seeing the state of my hand, James asked:

"Are you okay? Who made you that?

- Euh... Yeah I'm fine. It's nothing really, just a simple wound that's all.

- A simple wound! Are you kidding me? Your dress is soaked of blood! I'm bringing you to the hospital wing.

- No it's nothing really. Nothing I can't resolve on my own "

And I took my bag and went to my common room which I shared with James.


	4. And I don't know what

_Okay people, I know it's been quite a while and I'm TERRIBLY SORRY! Buyt here's the next chapter. I hope you'll enjoy it and pls rewiew. What your telling me are helping me a lot and are also motivating me. If you have any ideas for the next chapters, you can always suggest them because I'm a little lost here… And thank you everyone who rewiewed me so far!!_

**Chapter 3: And I don't know what…**

"Let me see this wound..."

I turned around swiftly. James had followed me in the bathroom without making a noise. "You frightened me.

- Sorry." A silence followed.

"Let me look at your wound. I am accustomed to heal them.

I didn't answer him. I thought for a moment: he could help me but what if he sees the other scars? I pulled down the shoulder of my dress on my arm. James approached to have look at it.

"It's bleeding too much. How did you get it?A simple fall couldn't have caused it", he said trying to stop the bleeding with a clean sponge.

"Old scar. It got reopened...

- Perhaps you should take off that dress of yours..."

I threw a glance to him...

"I mean put something else. This one's really dirty.

- Yeah, your right."

I went into my room and put a long sleeved tee-shirt with a bottom of jogging then returned to the bathroom where James was.

"How did you get this wound?, he asked me once again.

- I got a cut by accident this summer. It healed, it was just a scar but I think that it is reopened. Nothing serious, really.

- Let me make you a bandage none the less"

I let him do. While he was fixing my epaule, I was lost in my thoughts. What was he doing here? Why was he helping me? And I couldn't gold any longer. My thoughts left my mouth before I could stop them:

"Why are you helping me James?

- What?

- Why are you helping me?", I repeated

- I can leave right away if you want me to", he said and turned away to leave. I looked at him walk to the door then ran to stop him.

"No, I tell him while he stops, no I don't want you to leave"

He turned to look at me. We were close one to the other. I could hear his light breath and feel it on my face.

"I... I am just shocked that you would be helping me, after all we went trought, all these years we didn't speak.

- Lily we…we were just mad!"

His voice was calm but I could see that he was trying with everything he could. He continued: "You were a Gryffondor. We were friends. We liked you. And then you left us to date that Slytherin. You knew the rivalry.

- I didn't know anything James. I was new. I knew that you didn't get along but I didn't expect it to be like this. The girls, they told me that that he was nice. How could I've known James? I'm sorry okay?. What I did to you. It's not forgivable, I know."

We were still close. James wasn't stopping to look at me. I closed my eyes, not to look at his anymore, so beautiful but filled with pain...

And I felt his breath … And then his lips on mine. And once again, I didn't know what to do!


	5. Without you

**Hell or Heaven?**

Chapter 4: Without you

_I shouldn't be doing this!_

No, I shouldn't. But still, I can't help it. What happened to them hating me? God why am I thinking this now? Why can't I be happy, just for once? Don't I have the right, after all I went through? Of course I do, no one should live what I did! But what if he's not sincere? Then what, another heartbreak? OOhhh! Why can't I just follow what my cousin said? Why mix feelings with this?

I know the answer to most of these questions. I just can't make myself see the truth. If I answer myself, it'll be really true. Not a single chance to think the opposite anymore. That's why I'm asking again and again these questions.

"James, no. We shouldn't…"

"I'm sorry Lily."

"Sorry? Sorry for what actually?"

"What?"

"I don't know James, what are you sorry for? Kissing me? No I don't think so. Or do I still disgust you? But then why did you do it?"

"Lily, stop it! I'm not sorry for kissing you but for kissing you when you didn't want me to. And you don't disgust me. Why would you even think that?"

"Ohh I don't know, maybe because that's what you said last time we talked to each other."

"I'm sorry Lily all right? I liked you. I kissed you. You went running away like hell was right behind. And then I find you dating Malfoy! Can you imagine what I felt? I was devastated. Not were you only dating someone else, but it was Malfoy. Malfoy, for God's sake! There's no one I could hate more than him."

"Malfoy was a mistake. What I felt when you kissed me, it scared me. It wasn't like that with Malfoy nor did I feel the same with him. It was easier for me. I wasn't walking on unknown grounds. Or so I thought. But you claim you liked me. Did you forget me just when you saw me with him?"

"No Lily, I never forgot you!"

"Bullshit James. Don't lie to me!! Where were you then when I needed comfort, somebody to hold me without judging me? Nowhere! One single mistake and I was erased from your life, yours and your friends'. I went through shit. Nobody minded, nobody helped, nobody cared. And your telling me right now you never forgot about me? Yeah I can see you never forgot about my mistake!"

"Lily, let me explain everything to you so that you blame me knowing all the facts.

That day we found out you were dating Lucius, we were angry, yes. Sirius talked about you all week, telling you were a traitor. Peter said he never actually liked you. Remus and I, we never said anything. I don't know for Remus, maybe he was shocked or disappointed. But that day, you broke my heart into little pieces and took one with you so that I could never heal correctly. I was angry, but mostly hurt. I tried to find hundreds of solutions why you would've do this to me. But none were explaining your actions. Except one: you never liked me! This left only one question: Why backstab your friends? I never got the answer to that. So we stopped talking. And time passed. You started to change. Believe me Lily; I noticed every little change on you. First you became shier, not talking to anyone. It was after your breakup with Malfoy. Then the year ended, you came back to Hogwarts scared. Not talking to anyone, not expressing yourself. It was like you didn't have any emotions. But that was just on the outside. I couldn't imagine what you were going through on the inside. And years passed while you changed even more. Hiding yourself under that "costume" of yours. All these years, you claim nobody cared, but I did. I never understood you. I was scared of what you were doing to yourself. I stopped every time Sirius tried to take his anger out on you. I was behind you every second Lily, watching out for you. Even if I knew you didn't like me, my heart couldn't leave you like this. And I became to like you even more. Seeing how strong you were. And this year, when I found out your were my fellow head, I decided to change our relationship. This year is our last and I couldn't bring myself to end it like the ones before: without you! I like you Lily, I'm not expecting you to say anything, but I just want you to know that I'm always here for you. No matter what!" As James finished, he had tears in his eyes.


	6. Within me

**Hell or Heaven?**

Chapter 5: Within me

"I came to Hogwarts when my father died. My mom wanted to make sure I was secure as she wasn't strong after my dad left us. It was the first time I was going to school.

I wanted to make friends, date, and be happy like my father would've wanted me to. I met you guys; you were very nice with me. But out of the four, there was something different with you. And when you kissed me, I got scared.

First because of what I felt. And also of what might happen if I stayed. You were, after all, a Marauder, all the girls desired you. We were little maybe, but you weren't waiting for any sexual activity.

The girls all said Malfoy liked me, that he was nice, not like you. I believed them. They were nice with me. So I started to date him. I soon found out he was just interested in sex. And he tried everything he could to get what he wanted. I was nearly getting raped by my own boyfriend! James, I was scared, but when I went looking for you guys, I couldn't find you. I was all alone. The girls called me a bitch. I understand now that they were just trying to take me away from you. I had nobody else to talk to. And then the year ended, me feeling all alone.

I went home and what do I found out. My mom died leaving me with my stepfather, whom she married in February because she couldn't continue by herself. My stepfather, … that is, wasn't the kind that liked children. I was first left alone, sometimes hungry. But then, he started to get drunk. He came home out of his mind with some sluts, fucking them all night. I heard their screams. At that age, your not supposed to. When there weren't whores, it was because he was angry. And that meant beating me. That's what I'm going through every summer. When I came back to Hogwarts, nobody seemed to mind how I looked. So I chose to wear that "costume" as you said. At least I didn't felt like it was me who was going through all this shit. As I grew older, life at home became harder. Last summer, my cousin visited me. That's when I made up my mind to change back and accept Dumbledore's proposition. But when he left, everything became worse at home. I was beat to no end and almost sexually abused.

Now James, you know everything about my life. And I want you to understand that I can't bear to get hurt anymore. So please, I'm begging you, if you're not sincere, just leave. And I don't think I have to ask you to keep my secret."

I was crying madly. James hugged me as tears were leaving his eyes too. I put my head on his shoulder and let my emotions take over me. He was caressing my hair and whispering sweet nothings into my ear. I looked back at him when my tears ended.

"Lils, I couldn't have been any more sincere. I like you so much. Please give me another chance. It's all I'm asking for."

I locked my eyes with his. For the first time, I took the first step and sweetly kissed him. I could taste my salty tears on his lips. They were so soft. As he took the upper hand, I felt truly happy for the first time in a long time!


End file.
